fight scene mati became just like them

The speaker admits to becoming like the people they despised, enjoying the act of almost killing someone who they believe deserved it. However, this has caused them to lose self-acceptance and they feel overwhelmed by guilt. They also mention that they don't have much time left. I became just like them, Caddy. I enjoyed almost killing that guy. He deserved it, but still, I can't live myself anymore. I don't really have much time left anyway.