Authenticity - Jul 29, 2025 Recording Ron Only

This transcription discusses the importance of authenticity in understanding oneself and living truthfully. It emphasizes the impact of childhood experiences on adult behaviors and the necessity of exploring personal growth through introspection. It also addresses the challenges of being authentic in the face of societal expectations and the benefits of staying true to oneself. The conversation highlights the significance of embracing one's uniqueness and living authentically for personal growth and mental well-being. Okay, so, and you either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness. Today we're talking about authenticity, and as I was preparing for this episode, very honestly, I did not feel like I was in the flow of what we're going to do today, and I love the topic, but I just feel, I'm recording this in the summer, it feels like summer, it feels like vacation, so I am, but I'm here, and we're going to talk about authenticity. And when, the reason that I'm talking about authenticity is because it, for me, forms really a foundational concept if you want to build your self-esteem. If you, even if you have some idea of who you are and what you think you're here to do, if you cannot live authentically, then that starts having a real impact interfering with your ability to be truthful to who you are, to stay faithful to who you are. And so, authenticity, to me, really is kind of a starting point for you to be able to understand who you are, why you're here, what you're here to do, and how you can accomplish that. Every single one of us has very special gifts, unique gifts that are unique to us, unique culminations of gifts that are unique to each one of us. And when we discover what those gifts are, and many times that's kind of a lifelong process, you don't, it's not like you just wake up and say, here's my list. It's like it evolves. You begin to see things that you can do, things that you are good at doing, things that you can do with a minimum amount of effort, and they just seem to flow from you. You know, it took me, I was probably in my middle 40s before I really understood what my mission and calling in life was, maybe even older than that. And even since then, it's refined and it's given me, you know, I have more and more ideas of what I could and should be doing in my life in order to be the most effective with the tools and talents that I've been given. So being authentic is, it's very important in understanding who you are, but then being able to live out who you are in authenticity. So sometimes you can figure out who you are and what you would be good at and what you maybe could or should be doing, but people tell you that that's not the right way to do it or that's not an acceptable way to do it or, you know, that's kind of weird or, you know, I've never heard anybody doing it like that. And you just have to be able to be authentic to yourself and that's much easier to do when you are concretely aware of who you are and what your life represents. Janelle, what do you think of that? Well, you and I were talking about this just a couple of weeks ago, how things that happen to us when we're kids can have such a profound impact in our lives even as adults, sometimes we don't even recognize that that's happening. So the way that we respond or the reactions that we have to certain things, certain things that trigger us, you know, we're not even really aware of it. So not all the time, but I think that's the thing that you have to be, that's part of personal growth, that's part of understanding yourself and exploring, asking yourself questions about why you're responding in certain ways to certain things. Lots of people, I think, are very uncomfortable doing that with themselves, you know, I find many times in my private practice if I'm asking a client a very probing question, they're uncomfortable with that or they've never really thought about asking that question or getting that answer. And now it's one thing, it's even one thing to ask the question and it's another thing to actually want the answer enough to wait for it. You know, I had one client send me a text and said, wow, I just had this amazing epiphany, my thought, it was like, wow, and they really opened up a new thought for them and they said, this is really worth a deep dive. And so, you know, I totally agree with that. So the next session went in, I said, so do you want to talk about the deep dive? Wow, they kept circling back, going on all different rabbit trails, avoiding the deep dive because, you know, having the epiphany and when you're in that place where you kind of receive that insight, it's very powerful. But then you have to bring it into your life, you have to actually take a hold of it and start working with it and that's a different thing because now you're having thoughts or listening to answers that you have not really thought about before and that can be uncomfortable. But it's really worth the price to figure out, you know, when you get those kinds of questions or you have that kind of an epiphany to really take it and examine it and walk away then with the treasure that was put into that response to you. So you got insight, you saw something you didn't see before, there's a reason for that. And if you will, if you'll stick with the reason, it'll make you a better person. So being authentic, it requires that. And lots of times when we're trying to figure out who we authentically are, we are having to go past or go above and beyond labels or things that we were given when we were young, even by parents, even by other family members. You know, think about somebody who said, well, you were always the black sheep of the family. So what the implication of that is that the things that you do and the things that you think are things that are, they're not in the mainstream and they cause problems for other people. And, you know, you're a person that's hard to deal with or you're difficult or whatever. So you think about how that can shape then the way that you approach your life. If you're always trying to compensate for that, I don't want anybody to think I'm the black sheep in this situation. I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb. So now I just want to conform and I want to be, you know, I want to be like everybody else. And then your authenticity can suffer from that because you're not being who you are, you're being who you think other people want you to be. And I think that's a really good point, because I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. And I think that's a really good point that you can make. Okay. Very good point. Yeah. And you do need to pay attention to that, right? When you're feeling that discomfort or you're feeling like there's not that connection there, you need to pay attention to that, because you're getting a message, and you can ignore it or you can deal with it. And what you're saying, just remind it, it's an example of what you just said about the way that your relationship works. You can have people who would criticize that and say, well, obviously, you guys aren't very close then, because if you need time away from each other and you have your own separate groups of friends, that indicates that the relationship is not as strong or as healthy as it could or should be. And you know that that's not the case, but you could be influenced by external pressure like that. So, that's a great example of how you can be pressured to not be authentic for the sake of what somebody else is thinking about what you're doing or not doing. Yeah. Good point. So, being able to set aside some of the things that the way that you have been trained or the way that you've been taught even from your childhood about what expectations there are of you or what you should or shouldn't do, and being able to wade through that clutter and figure out who am I really and how can I be authentic to that person without feeling the pressure of my past or the pressure of even the present, what people are expecting from me or how they expect me to show up, how they expect me to dress, how they expect me to appear, how they expect me to sound, all those things, you know, you will be a much happier person if you discover what are you, who are you really, and then live authentically to that. And then people, it's funny the way people respond, too, because you know, you probably know people in your lives who are different than everybody, but everybody respects them in spite of the fact that they're different. And almost always that would be because they figured out what is, who is authentically them, and that's what they live, no matter what you think about it. And that creates, for your own person, it creates a healthy environment for your mental health, and it creates an opportunity then for you to grow into more of who you are and to be most effective in your life, the most effective you can be. Hmm. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hmm. Hmm. That's right. That's right. That's right. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. That's right. That's right. And lots of times you're doing things to have an impact on people that you will never, ever see again, you know. And I remember many years ago, I may have said this to you before, but I remember that there was a woman who said to me, you know, I love shopping at Winters because there's good deals, but I cannot stand to go in the changing rooms, the fitting rooms with my stuff because they treat you like you're a criminal, and they count all of your garments, and they're very suspicious of you coming out. She said, I just hated that. And she said, one day I decided there was a blouse I wanted to try on, and she said, I was standing between the racks of clothes, and I just thought, I'm just going to take off what I'm wearing right now. I'm going to try on this blouse and see if it fits. And so she did that, and she said, you know what I noticed? Nobody noticed. Nobody noticed. And even if they had, they wouldn't have cared, you know. It's just, so this is, I remember, I've carried that with me many times over my lifetime thinking about, you know, why would I do something to impress somebody that I'm never going to see again, or to, you know, do something, when you talk about mismatched clothes, okay? So you go out, and I remember, like, in the pandemic, I went a lot of places in my pajamas. And, you know, and my research sometimes say to me, how can you wear your pajamas in public? Well, the people looking at me, they didn't know it was my pajamas because they're not like pajamas, but they're kind of like sweats almost, right? And so they didn't know it was my pajamas. Only we know it's my pajamas, and so what do I care? What if somebody looked at me and said, he's wearing his pajamas, yeah? And I was successful. I left home. I came back. I did what I need to do. I came back, and I was still okay. And those people who might have looked down their nose at me because I was wearing pajamas, I'll probably never see them again. Or if I do, they probably won't say, hey, was that the guy that was wearing his pajamas during the pandemic? Yeah. And that might sound very surface, but it applies to things, who I am as well. In fact, if I am authentic to who I am, that's going to give position me to have the greatest impact on people in my life. And if that's what life is about, and I believe that's what life is about, it's about living in community and having impact on somebody else's life. That's what makes life worth living. And so if I'm going to be authentic and have maximum impact on people's lives, then so many of these other details don't matter, and they will not affect whether I have an impact or not. Whether I'm living authentically or not will have an impact on how much I, yeah. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Mm-hmm. Right. Mm-hmm. Right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. So, the first thing is saying, I'm trying to be honest now. Why were they lying to you before? So, were they trying to meet an expectation of yours, or were they trying to meet an expectation that they grew up with, or an expectation of themselves? Were they trying to create a facade of something, and now they're saying, you know, I don't want to do the facade anymore? And if that's the case, why that facade? So, if you could step in behind the scenes a bit and have a bit of understanding of why they would be inauthentic in that way, that might give you some compassion for them, understanding, okay, so that's why, and that might help you then to get over the hump of feeling like you were lying to me, or you were living a lie, or that kind of response, right? And then, if you have an inner reaction, ask yourself why you're having that inner reaction. Why do I feel like, okay, you lied to me, that's it, it's over, okay? Okay, now why is that so important? If you lied to me, we're done. Why is that so important to you? And that could be a lot of things, could be a lot of reasons. And actually, then you have to ask yourself, was this like a deliberate lie that they were just being inauthentic with me, or was this a culmination of things that they, the way that they kind of structured their life, trying to be the people pleaser, you know, trying to please the people that were most important to them in their lives. And so then if you say that, now that aspect of them, I can really, I can take that as a nugget, a gem that I can work with. So if I can say, I don't consider this that you lied to me, but I understand now you were trying to compensate for something, and this person that you say that you authentically are, I can live with that. I can, let's try to grow into that together. Let's try to figure out what does that mean for our relationship, and what kinds of things would change, what kinds of things would remain the same, and what kinds of things would be better. Maybe there'd be something that would be worse, too. And can we live with that? So yeah, it's powerful, but it's not easy to do, especially if you have strong emotions about, you know, what the person, who the person was, and who they say they need to be. And on the same side, if you are the person that's trying to be authentic, you know, and you're sharing with your partner, this is what I'm feeling, and you can see they're panicking, or they're angry, or they're, you know, they're having some kind of reaction to try to stimulate that conversation. Why are you responding like this? Can you tell me, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? If I tell you this, what's going through your mind, you know, and then talk about that? But even that, you need to have a level of transparency. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you can build towards that with doing my favorite thing, which is experiments. So if you're saying to yourself, you know, this particular thing, I'm not being very authentic. You know, just try one time having an authentic response or an authentic behavior and see what happens. But once again, if you're doing the experiment, collect the data. What does that feel like to say, okay, so this time I'm actually going to say my opinion. You know, how am I feeling about that? How am I feeling as I approach the situation and I know this is an opportunity for me to say what I'm really thinking? What happens when I actually open my mouth and I say what I'm really thinking? What's the aftermath of that and how do I feel about that? Because sometimes with things like that, the aftermath can be not good. But at the same time, you know, that felt so good to be authentic. I think that would be worth it to do it again, you know, and see if the relationship can tolerate that kind of authenticity. And you can do that by experimenting and trying different things that represent you being authentic and see what happens. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And you see that the outcome is amazing, right? Because you feel like you did something that you don't normally do or something that was pushing your personal growth and you can see the positive outcome in the other person and it makes the whole thing worthwhile, right? Hmm. Yeah. So, to wrap this up, being authentic, I think, is so important as a foundation for you to personally grow into your strengths and the things that you can do well in your life. And it's not always going to be an easy thing, but in the end, it will definitely be worth whatever price it costs you. And I can certainly speak to that in my own life, you know, getting to a place where I understood more and more about what my point was of being here and then moving into that more strongly without thinking necessarily about what other people were thinking or not thinking about that and just being authentic really opened powerful doors for me to live in a powerful way in community with other people. Hmm.